Providence provides

I cannot believe my trip has come to a close. Tomorrow I will standby hoping to get onto a flight. The good news is that tomorrow is a national holiday, so most likely the flights will be lighter than usual.

The past couple nights at the hostel saw a quick turnover of roommates. Apparently, the busiest (and loudest) night is Saturday night. The final night, Sunday, I was in a room of 12 men, me being one of two women. I don’t think I can do that again. They don’t seem to regulate the ratio of men to women in each room unlike the practice of other hostels.

I’m happy to see familiar faces when I return. I miss my family and friends. And throughout my trip, I have seen so many people who look like those I love in the Liturgical Institute. I wonder if I have a twin somewhere in the world?

Admittedly, the wrap up of the whole experience and journey has made me a little emotional. I am so thankful to the Lord for all that He provided on this journey from Paris to the Belgian cities to the Italian cities to Madrid.

Early on and then later throughout the trip people asked me if I was traveling alone or how was I able to do it by myself. To be honest, I didn’t go into the trip believing I was ever alone or that anything that resulted from it would be of my own doing. The thought never crossed my mind until people told me I was alone, and it made me think about our human nature to want relationship and companionship – all of these an extension of love. I do believe these were with me (that is, relationship and companionship), but they came across in a different way me knowing Jesus was walking alongside me and would be present throughout this trip. After having been asked so many times, how I felt being alone … I finally asked Jesus, “Do you think we’re alone?”

Here are the top memorable parts of this journey (in no particular order of importance):
1. Healthy relationships, Alicia Keys latest album, and the Code of Canon Law
2. Chevetogne
3. Rdv with Père De Clerck, concluding I want my Ph.D., and laughter
4. Maredsous beer and the Abbey’s 400,000 books library collection
5. Making pâtisseries
6. Theo Selles’ generosity and the creativity of chocolatier, M. Le Gallic
7. Visiting St. Josemaría Éscriva’s tomb in Rome
8. Visiting St. Francis of Assisi on his Feast Day and St. Clare
9. Meetings within Paris
10. Proposal to Caritas in Madrid

How do I feel now that I am coming home? Physically, I’m a little tired because there was a lot of areas I was hoping would be addressed on the trip, and I’m very pleased to report that mostly everything was given time and some level of development – praise be Jesus Christ! I have also lost a lot of weight from the trip since I’m on a student budget and am looking forward to a more regular diet beyond that of pâtisseries! I actually said during the trip, “It is more important to me to eat pâtisseries than having a meal.” Oopsy ...

I didn’t know how any of this trip was going to evolve only knowing that God would be with me. Early on I discovered that everything I planned was not happening; and when I left it all to God, he took care of business. I left with a lot of people telling me the trip was unrealistic or that I shouldn’t go … but when I prayed, inspiration in prayer would tell me otherwise. I know everyone had good intentions, but I am glad to have listened to how the Spirit moved me, as God confirmed His will so many times when I actually did listen.

There was a lot on the trip that was difficult. But these difficulties were not God so much that it was me. It was mostly me not wanting to follow the urgings within prayer or me pretending as if I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how to act. And I think most of the times I didn’t want to act when my prayers had been answered, it was mostly because of fear. But even in these times, God’s grace gave me the courage to do things that have led to developing the project beyond anything I could have imagined. It is good. And it is better.

I wonder if I will resort to my old habits with relationships and work.

My hope is that I don’t and that I cultivate what has been given through this trip for the project, for souls we’ll be serving, and yes … even for my own soul, which I think about. From this experience I don’t know if I’ll ever have an experience like this again. I think one of the things I have learned from this trip is that God becomes tangible in a very unique way when we cease trying to be in control. Being away from what was familiar definitely aided in this being possible (since I tend to be a control freak), but my will also actively desired to just trust, which is necessary if we want to develop the interior life. It must be a conscious effort to seek God’s will and God's grace will respond.

I think this is really hard. That is, we don’t live in a society that encourages that we do God’s will but that we do our own, and this is a constant spiritual struggle for all Christians. But God’s grace is there for us. As He showed on this trip, He was always present, and He was good to the project, generous and compassionate.

The result is that I leave Europe realizing how little my role is in With Mercy and Justice. As incredulous as this may sound, it was not my doing that allowed for the various occurrences or meetings to take place. The project has developed in a way that is very different from when it was first conceived and has been inspired in prayer and through the many talents and gifts of those God has brought to His project. It feels very awkward when people say, “... your project.” To be honest, I know my role. I believe it is God’s project, His doing and hand … with a desire to heal souls who have been injured so that they can be free and joyful. It is exciting to be a part of the project as it develops and being a steward (if you will) to move it forward. I can tell in prayer it is moving into a different phase, which requires the involvement of others … I think this is the Advisory Council.

I said in prayer, “God, let’s Rock n’ Roll…” I have a different sense of readiness and excitement for Christ and this project and collaboration. The project has taken on a different identity from what I imagined for it and gone in directions I never would have had the courage to take it – praise be Jesus Christ!